The idea of letting go is new to me. Or newish. Due to my fascination with this process, I can easily give an explanation to the meaning behind letting go, why it’s important and how one would go about putting it into action. Although, the personal, practical application has mystified me up until recently. I was raised by a woman, my loving and doting mother, who is just now — at 70 years old, curious about letting go and how to apply it. Her middle name is either grudge or Elizabeth, I have to check her birth certificate. As a highly sensitive, impressionable INFJ child, I learned only to grip emotional distress with all the strength I could muster. Letting whatever it was torment me into anxious fits, which left me riddled with insomnia, resentment, frustration and isolation. Now, emotional distress coupled with extreme negativity took me on a ride down a dark slide to depression; welcoming me with open arms because I made it. I thought my way into being a depressive mess. I got just what I was thinking about. It happens every time. You get what you think about!
A few days ago, I verbalized a self-criticism. Immediately after the words passed my lips, I wanted to suck them back in, chew them up, spit them out and crush them beyond recognition. Who I am to claim inadequacy? Who am I to run from my power? I am brilliant, gorgeous and fabulous. I shine my light for all to see and encourage others to do the same.
As I shape a new way of being I hear myself think things like, “Well, that’s because I’m awesome. Yep, awesome. I’m awesome, totally and completely.” As a chronic ‘depths of despair’ self-talker these thoughts initially stunned me. I think to myself, who just said that? Oh, I think to myself, you’re the only one in there; it must have come from youuuuuu…..Of course?! Emanating this thought, owning it, loving it, knowing it’s all there is, knowing I am climbing up that dark slide into the light, feels like a profound, tearful awakening.